Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
