I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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