Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
