I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
