Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I cut my penus on the lid.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
