And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
