Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
