Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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