so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
