She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize