Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
