I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
