I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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