I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
