Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Randomize
