being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
