Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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