I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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