It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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