How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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