I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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