my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i drank out of a bidet.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
