just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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