I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
