I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
