He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
