my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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