wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
