I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize