and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
