I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
