I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
