He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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