running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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