I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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