is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
