ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
