I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
