FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
is wine microwaveable?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
