Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
