I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
