I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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