I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
