Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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