We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
