Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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