Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize