Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's rum buckets o'clock
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
