Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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