Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Randomize
