I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
