The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
