Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
