I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
They took my balls.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
