all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
