Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
