no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
