Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize