We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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