I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
