You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
