I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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