i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
